My Kick-start to The Light (How It Started)

Assalamualaikum.
Good little sponge, do your thing and absorb. ^_^

My story
I had everything i wanted in life, if not more.
Everything i wanted, i got.
Not that i was a spoilt brat, i was dead stubborn.
Too stubborn to lose.

If i wanted something, i would work like a crazy woman (in my way of course).
Yes, there is the occasional i-want-it-but-i-cant-get-it, but if i'm too lazy to work for it, i don't deserve it in the first place.
I felt my life was empty, like something was missing.
I knew it had to be more than just material.





I didnt find it till a few months ago, when i met a new friend.
I already knew her for a long time, but only then did she start to be my best friend.
I like her. She was super-duper sweet.

She didn't cuss, the furthest she would go was "bloody" (is that cussing by the way?)
She smiled a lot. =)
When others werent there for me, she was.
I love her, she's awesome.
She even started to ask me to accompany her to the musolla after prep to pray.
Slowly, it started to seep into me.
The feeling was indescribable. I didnt know i had it in me.

After i pray, i would just sit there and watch her.
She amazed me. "Ya Allah, baiknya budak nih".
For once in my life, i didnt feel so empty.
I did what i could and felt happy.
I felt whole.
"Aku bersyukur ya Allah, Kau beri aku kawan macam ni."

And i really was.
In some ways, i influenced her, and in a way, she influenced me.
She started wearing hand socks, Allah je yang tahu gembiranya bila dia cakap dia nak pakai.
She would remind me whenever i crossed the limits and did something wrong.
SUPER BUDDY .

^_^ i remember us both, curled up at the back of the mussolla, trying to take a short nap (i struggled because apparantly, my head seemed like a comfy cushion for a nearby cat.) so we could perform our tahajjud prayers.
It was AWESOME (yes, i like the word awesome).

Im not sure whether i just went overboard, or it was what i was supposed to feel, because i started to feel real BAD.
I wasn't as cheerful as i used to be.
I guess, the sins of the past just caught up and killed me with guilt.
I cried everyday, for about three weeks, which wasnt very healthy, im sure.
Some noticed, some didnt.
Some were terribly concerned because SPM was just less than a month's time away.
I even cried on the day BEFORE SPM.
Oh well, whats done is done.
I just felt awful.
i cried in my prayers.
I came to a point where my friend just said the word 'death' and i started trembling (and that was during a chemistry workshop or something).
i'm not afraid of death, i'm afraid of what comes after it.
I was too scared because i knew i wasnt ready.

A friend of mine told me to read the surah al-fatihah 7 times, open the tafsir and read the translation on the right (try it, i've done it a couple of times and it surely does work). i did that and this is what came up

Kemudian, sesungguhnya Tuhanmu (mengampuni) orang yang mengerjakan kesalahan kerana kebodohannya, kemudian mereka bertaubat setelah itu dan memperbaiki (dirinya), sungguh, Tuhanmu setelah itu benar-benar Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang.
(16;119)

Bak kata senior, Amier Idris, "In your face!"
Allah saja yang tahu betapa hina dan kerdilnya diri ni rasa pada saat itu.
Macam-macam jahat dah buat, diampunkan juga? 
 i vowed that day i would not take Allah for granted anymore.
 
SPM dah dekat, rasa macam tak peduli saja.

But, eventually i started to cheer up, kalau difikirkan, bersedih selalu juga tak elok.
Lebih baik menangis di dalam, dekat luar kuat. ^_^
Bersedih seorang diri, tak dapat tolong kawan-kawan yang lain.
I too, want to contribute something to Islam.
A responsibility is a responsibility and i will do what i can.

ps: i am just sharing. please do not consider me riak or apa-apa yang sewaktu dengannya. I am merely trying to show you what Islam did to me. 

*this could be fictional. don't take my word on it. ^_^

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Nak Berubah Tp Tak Berani?

Assalamualaikum.
Before i get into what 'at-first pain' means, i want to tell you about the incident that inspired me.

the incident.
My mother was doing her 'sewing' thing so barang2 menjahit tu bersepah2 dekat area dia buat kerja tu.
My not-so-baby sister wanted a glass of water, so being the AWESOME sister that I AM (^_^), bergeraklah ke arah meja untuk ambil air.
And then, OUCH, terpijaklah satu objek yang ada dekat atas lantai.
Rupa-rupanya, my mother's magnet block that she uses to make sure that the pins and needles don't go merata-rata.
Then i looked at my foot, there was this needle sticking out of my foot, halfway in already. =.="

Nak kata tak sakit, ada lah jugak, nak kata sakit sangat, tak juga.
So i tried to pull it out, OH BROTHER, memang dalam jarum tu masuk.
 Everytime i tried to pull it out, i would end up laughing because it hurt and i was too scared to.




My little brother came near me with a pair of pliers and a hammer.
He handed me the pliers and said ;

"Baik kak long tarik cepat, kalau tidak, Fahmi ketuk jarum tu guna hammer nih, biar masuk lagi dalam". and laughed.

=.=" Bully. 

After a few minutes, jarum tu still sticking out of my foot.

My brother came near me.  
 "Don't you dare come near me". Saya pandang dengan muka yang super-duper garang. (XDD)

I know he just wanted to help, but seriously, not this time.
Finally, i just sat in a corner, shut my eyes, gripped the pliers firmly and PULLED, FAST.

The first thing on my mind, thats it?
Penat2 je buat drama tadi. =.=" rupa2nya, tak sakit apa pun.
so that is what inspired me (haha i know that doesnt really sound very inspiring =D)





So, apa kaitannya dengan blog post kali ini?
I want to relate it to the FIRST move we make when we decide to change, or improve to be better.
Because there always is the first leap.
 Lets say you find yourself in a bad situation.
Its just like me, stuck sitting on a chair, with a needle poking out of my foot.
Nak ambil apa2 tindakan, takut sebab tak pernah alami situasi macam tu.
We know that sooner or later we have to do something, we just dont know when to start.
Like the first leap to being a better muslim or just being a better person generally.
Kita selalu sangat bertangguh nak berubah nih, nak taubat nasuha.

Semakin lama, semakin teruk keadaan kita (jarum tu kalau biarkan lama2, mesti bawa mudarat, ken? Karat dan sebagainya..)
And then, mesti ada orang datang nak tolong (my brother, although cruel, did try to help), orang yang mungkin ada pengalaman berdepan dengan situasi yang sama.
They can help by advising us on what to do, but in the end, we are the ones that have to pull the needle out.
People can guide us, tell us what to do, tapi kita yang mesti cari kekuatan untuk berubah.
And when we have taken that BIG STEP, we realise, it isn't hard at all. It's not as painful as we thought it would be.

Kita takut nak berubah mula-mula tu.
Macam2 yang kita takut,

nanti orang tu kata aku ni bajet baik pula.

nanti kawan aku tak nak kawan dengan aku sebab kata aku ni baik sangat.

nanti orang kata aku ni hipokrit.

nanti semua orang cakap aku old-fashioned.

Its all in our head (alaa, jarum je pun).
And then when we do it, "oh, this isn't as bad as i thought it would be"

and it seriously isn't.
Syaitan nak hasut kita tuh,
OHOHO well better luck next time because im winning this time! MWAHAHAHAHA (ok, cut that out.).

in a nutshell:
Memang lah mula2 tu kita rasa macam susah sikit but then, it doesnt take long to get used to. =)
Yang penting, usaha tu ada. ^_^ Beranilah buat perubahan.

third step to self-detox: Be brave. be fearless. ^_^ Have faith in Allah, He's not going anywhere.

ps: please suggest blog topics at amisamsuri@yahoo.com or just comment. =)

other posts; Pergaulan (Part One), Pergaulan (Part Two), My First Day

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